Message in a (Online) Bottle

I’d like to preface this post by saying that I met someone, let’s call him Batman, and it’s going well. We have been on 2 dates and are in contact throughout each day. However, I’m afraid to jinx it and write about it here because I like him…so if it implodes, I’ll spill ASAP.

My OkCupid journey has halted a bit because I’ve been caught up with the butterflies Batman gives me, and I’m not much of a player so I’m having trouble continuing to play the field, however I thought this would be a good chance to decode messages I’ve been getting from men online.

When I first made an account I was super against messaging a guy first. In real life I probably wouldn’t go up to a guy in a bar; I’d give him sexy eyes until he got the hint to come over and introduce himself (am I right or am I right?). OkCupid has a feature that, if you pay a small monthly fee, you can browse people’s profiles invisibly unless you want them to know you visited, so I’ve been living that up pretty heavily. I will say I’ve messaged a couple dudes first, but mainly I’m sifting through creepers and wondering if they pressed send on accident or not…

So, from a man’s point of view, I’m thinking…

“hello hru” really means that I am messaging about 13 other women at the same time and this is the quickest way to make that little notification bubble pop up on your phone. I text like this, too, and don’t put a lot of effort into many things, including first impressions.

“Hey trouble maker… 🙂 You look like the girl from the Powerpuff girls show 🙂 do you know the Show? Are you using this site? Message me when you’re online.” really means that I think I am much cooler than I really am and hope that a pop culture reference to a cartoon with little girls won’t make you think I’m a pedophile, but actually just really creative. I’m also kind of needy because I’m mandating that you talk to me.

“Que Tal? I am new here. You seem pretty cool and different. I would like to get to know you :)” means that I took the time to speak a little Spanish because your profile said you had family in Puerto Rico and this shows that I pay attention to small details. I don’t actually know much about you, so I think adjectives like “cool and different” are vague enough to make you think I’m interested. I also use emojis when I text, which can either be cute or creepy.

“Just great all the pretty women are auburn fans lol” really means that I’m attempting to flatter and tease you at the same time, but am unaware that you’ll write me off right away because I’m joking about one of your favorite things. I probably didn’t go to a big football college, which is why I don’t understand why this is the wrong move.

“How are you.my name is ren.can i get to know u.i like cookn,bowln,fishin,n taking my son out to the park,n cuddle up wit my woman watching some movies.” really means that English is probably my second language and I am not literate enough to know how to use proper grammar. I’m hoping that telling you all of my hobbies right away will show you that I want to get to know you instead of making you think I’m over sharing, and by adding information about my son I’m hoping you’ll think that’s endearing…even though it really makes you want to run for cover.

“Hello, your pictures caught my attention. You appear to be an attractive woman. I would really like the opportunity to get to know you.” really means that I may be new to the online dating scene and think that messaging women like I’m answering a question at a job interview will make me seem professional…even though this isn’t a professional setting…but I don’t get that yet. I have good intentions, though, I just don’t know what I’m doing.

“Hey! lets share a bit more. 1. Last drink you had if you do drink. 2. What is a current tv show you can’t miss? 3. What song can you not resist to dancing to when it comes on?” really means that I copy and paste this weird ass message into every message I send a girl and no one has told me this doesn’t work. Ever.

*All quoted information is straight for my account and has not been doctored to uphold the integrity of this project.

Lesson learned: It’s nice to say hello after someone messages you because it’s polite, but maybe don’t always reply back because when you don’t want to talk to their creeper, i txt lke a t33nager, illiterate self anymore they might get mad and rage a bit over an online dating messenger app…